Beneath the Skin
by justmeoverhereagain
Summary: Inexplicably drawn to each other in the midst of this chaotic world, the Inquisitor and the Commander of the Inquisition's forces find comfort in each other. It could only end in heartache, but the path to heartache could be exhilarating. Lavellan/Cullen. Three-part story. Rated M for a reason.
1. Wolves Without Teeth

Chapter 1: Wolves Without Teeth

Ellana returned to Haven after a long, trying journey to Val Royeaux. They had freed the Hinterlands of the battling templars and apostates, they held the storm coast, and rescued captured soldiers from that Marker-forsaken Fallow Mire. She had closed every single bleeding rift in every place they ventured to, and killed more demons than she ever thought she'd see in her lifetime. Still it seemed never enough. She never asked for this, for any of it. She didn't ask for this cursed mark or to be Andraste's "chosen one", if that's even what she was. Somehow, she'd become the unofficial leader of this Inquisition. No one would say it, but they all looked to her for guidance, to make decisions. Some decisions a person just shouldn't have to make on their own. If she was indeed marked by Andraste, why did the Chantry reject the Inquisition so vehemently? And what the hell was wrong with Lord Seeker Lucius?

These thoughts stabbed at her already throbbing mind as her legs carried her quickly through the small town, not stopping for a moment and avoiding the paths that her companions occupied. She needed his presence. Her world hadn't stopped spinning long enough for her to catch her breath since that fateful day at the Conclave, and things seemed to slow down just enough whenever Cullen was nearby. She didn't know what this meant, honestly, she didn't care. That feeling she got in the pit of her stomach whenever the Commander was around was a welcome distraction from everything else. Their relations hadn't surpassed much more than idle flirtations, but he was so easily flustered and vexing the man had quickly become her favorite pastime. Though there were times, in the solemn hours of the night when nightmares roused them both from their cots and drew them to the war table, that Ellana and Cullen found solace in each other's quiet presence. Eventually solace turned to confidences and the two found familiarity among themselves.

The ever-busy Commander wasn't by the tents as he normally would be, training the soldiers, which meant he was probably in the Chantry. So troubled and intent was her mind, she didn't even consider knocking as she opened the door to the Commander's quarters. A small gasp escaped her lips and turned white in the cold mountain air. Cullen was covered only by his trousers and a tangle of furs. His bare chest heaved and was covered in a sheen of sweat, his brow furrowed though he was clearly asleep. Was it night? How had she missed that detail? Ellana knew she should leave, but instead she latched the door silently behind her and hastened to his side, unable to leave him to the wolves that hunted him in his sleep.

"Cullen…" She cooed tenderly, brushing blond curls off his forehead. She felt utterly compelled to end his pain, to make the nightmares go away. "Cullen wake up." Ellana said with a little more urgency, carefully drying the cold sweat from his brow and smoothing his hair. The Commander started and sat up straight. Many emotions flitted through his amber eyes as his mind muddled from the realm of dreams, though they settled on confusion at her presence.

"Ellana…? You look upset."

"Must've been some nightmare." She answered evasively, still concerned about him.

"Ah- Yes, well- Oh, Maker…" He seemed to finally realize their predicament. Before he could try to move away, or cover himself up, she trailed a tentative hand across the skin of his broad chest. His muscles shivered and rippled underneath her fingertips. "Ellana-" His voice was low, somewhere between a whispered warning and a plea for more.

 _Open my chest  
And color my spine  
I'm giving you all  
I'm giving you all_

"Let me keep the wolves away." The elf murmured in return. She flattened her palm on his torso, tracing taut muscles as she pressed a slow, unsure kiss to the stubble on his jaw.

"W- wolves?" Cullen's voice wavered in a way that she had never heard before. Encouraged by this, she moved slow kisses down his throat as she shifted her body closer to his.

"It's what my people call nightmares." Ellana explained between kisses, lingering at every scar and mark her lips came across. One of his large hands buried itself into her loose hair, gently lifting her face back to his. Darkened amber eyes met blue, and a shot of desire sparked through her like light flashes in a storm. Cullen brought his lips to hers with a slow and burning passion that stole the air from her lungs. His hands weren't just in her hair, but also on her body, working at the tethers that held her worn travel leathers in place.

 _Swallow my breath  
And take what is mine  
I'm giving you all  
I'm giving you all_

Cullen pulled back just enough to look into her eyes again as he slid the fabric from her strong shoulders and down her slender arms. Gooseflesh rose on her skin where cold air touched. He ducked his head and admired her torso with kisses just as she had to his minutes before. His rough fingers slid into her bindings and slowly unfurled them from her chest.

"Maker's breath…" He whispered reverently before taking one of her pert, pink nipples between his lips.

"Ah-" Ellana moaned. Her fingers of one hand threaded into his hair as the other dug into the flesh of his shoulder. His tongue swirled the sensitive bud and another pleasured sound fell from her lips as her fingers tugged his hair. Cullen smirked and released the reddened flesh from his lips, earning a whimper off loss, but only to give her other breast the same treatment. He pinched and rolled the sensitized flesh, wet with his own saliva, between two battle-roughened fingers, earning him all kinds of delicious sounds. "Cullen-" She panted as warmth pooled between her thighs, shifting her hips, seeking friction.

"Ell-" His body stiffened, teeth accidentally scraping her nipple, as her core rolled against his crotch, brushing the length of this now throbbing member. She cried out at the mix of pleasure and pain, and given his reaction she moved her hips again, but with more purpose. A low growl rumbled in his chest this time, and Ellana had never heard a more arousing sound in her life. When she went to do it again, his hands moved to her hips and held them like a vice. "Dear Maker, woman…" He panted, voice strained. Ellana whimpered, not because it hurt, but because she liked the pain.

 _I'll be the blood  
If you'll be the bones  
I'm giving you all  
I'm giving you all_

"Bite me again…" Her voice rasped in his ear as she took his earlobe between her teeth and nipped the soft flesh until it was red and swollen. Cullen could not have resisted her command if he had wanted to, the need in her voice was almost tangible, and he knew then her every whim would be his pleasure. His cock twitched in response. His mouth switched nipples again, teeth sinking into her flesh a little harder this time, though he was quick to soothe the assault with the flat of his tongue. Ellana sobbing his name, pulling once again at his hair. Cullen thought he might fall apart right then. As his mouth worshiped her chest, his hands loosened on her hips so he could undo the fastenings on her pants. The moment he did her hips resumed their movements against his crotch, eliciting a primal moan from them both. His mouth returned to hers and he kissed her hard, dizzyingly, as he pushed her down on top of the furs.

 _So lift up my body  
And lose all control  
I'm giving you all  
I'm giving you all_

"Ellana-" She was driving him insane, he was hardly in control of himself at this point. He hated it, and he loved every minute of it. Cullen's mouth ravished hers, his stubble irritating her skin in the most delectable way as their tongues dueled for dominance. His thumbs dug into her hipbones as he jerked the tight material down her thighs, his mouth leaving hers to take the pants all the way off. Only her smallclothes were left her cover most intimate part. A groan escaped his lips upon seeing how dark and damp they already were. He hesitated there, kneeling at her feet and taking in the sight of her body stretched out before him. The swell of her breasts heaved as she caught her breath, her hips wiggled slightly, needy, and soft whimpers fell from her puffy lips, feeling the loss of his touch.

 _You hover like a hummingbird  
Haunt me in my sleep  
You're sailing from another world  
Sinking in my seas_

Ellana had no patience left. In a moment she was on her knees facing Cullen, her fingers sliding into his hair as she pressed her bare body to his warm, strong chest.

"Waiting for an invitation?" The playful question had barely left her mouth when his lips crashed into hers with a hunger she had not detected previously. The sheer force of the kiss would have sent them both tumbling back into bed if not for the fact that Ellana was stubborn, and not at all done fighting for dominance. She might not be stronger than Cullen, but she was stronger than she looked. And far sneakier. Her fingers slid down his body at a languid, torturous pace as they kissed, trekking the hard lines and planes until they found his trouser ties. She palmed his hardened cock through the thin material, his hips jerked into her hand and he moaned into her mouth. His pants were loose enough that they slid off his hips the moment she unfastened the final knot, letting his erection spring free of its confines.

 _You're feeding on my energy  
I'm letting go of it  
She wants it_

Cullen clung to her, one hand on either side of her face as his mouth held hers in the desperate kiss. In all honesty, he was just trying not to fall apart as Ellana wrapped a deft hand around his need and began to pump him from shaft to tip. Now it was his turn to make all the sounds, his head fell back unable to hold her lips captive any longer, lost in the sensations. She moved her mouth to his neck and collarbone, biting and soothing with sucking kisses as her hand slid along his length, slick with precum. Ellana was back to admiring his body, her lips wrapped around one of his nipples, twirling it with her tongue as her hand brought him closer and closer. His legs quaked beneath him.

"No wolves…" She whispered tenderly before nipping the puckered bud.

 _And I run from wolves  
Breathing heavily, at my feet  
And I run from wolves  
Tearing into me, without teeth_

Cullen gasped and his hips jerked again. He grabbed her wrist and pulled it off him, not wanting to finish this way, no matter how good it felt. Her blue eyes pierced his with profound understanding, followed by a glint of mischief and seduction. She brought her hand up to her mouth and slowly licked his fluid off each finger, eyes never once straying from him.

"Maker's breath…" Cullen watched, entranced by some sort of sorcery, though she was no mage. She pressed a lingering kiss to his mouth, tongue brushing his just so he could taste himself on her.

"Stay. Watch." She whispered into his lips, then crawled back and propped herself up on his pillows. She held his gaze as her hands grazed down her own body, tweaking her nipples, and then curling her fingers around her last scrap of clothing and slowly shimmying it off her legs.

 _I can see through you  
We are the same  
It's perfectly strange  
You run in my veins_

Cullen watched with wide eyes as the most beautiful woman in all of Thedas spread her legs and began to touch herself. Her blue eyes still gazed into his, though they fluttered shut every now and then as she pleasured herself. One of her delicate hands rested on her breast, playing with an erect, rosy-red nipple, as the other slid between her thighs. Her fingers gleamed with generous amounts of her own juices. She pressed them in and out of herself at a lazy pace, and then began to rub the small bundle of nerves at the top of her soaked apex. It was when her eyes fell closed and she whispered his name like a prayer that he couldn't help himself anymore.

Cullen kept himself controlled, wanting to pleasure this woman as she so highly deserved. He began at her ankles, trailing kisses and calloused touches up the inside of one smooth, milky leg, and then the other. Ellana started, and then writhed under his touches, needing him very acutely at the one place he had yet to touch.

"Cullen… Please…" His stubble tickled and scratched her sensitive thighs, his hands gliding down the backs of her thighs to the bend of her knees. He bent her legs and parted them wide, bringing his mouth down over her gleaming cunt and sucking that throbbing pearl. Her release was instant and intense. She cried out his name as her back arched, sobbing his praises, and at the moment neither of them cared if the whole Chantry heard. When her eyes opened, he was leaning over her, looking as if he had just seen Andraste herself. Cullen leaned down and kissed her, long and deeply, letting her taste the salty sweet juices that coated his lips and tongue. For a moment they stayed just like that, lips lingering in a sensual kiss, breathing each other's air.

 _How can I keep you  
Inside my lungs  
I breathe what is yours  
You breathe what is mine_

"Ready, love?" His voice was patient, though she could hear his need. She could feel it too, laying on her thigh.

"Still waiting… for that… invitation?" She was still breathless from her climax, but she looked up at him through eyelashes heavy with desire, more than ready, a playful smile on her lips. Cullen lined himself up at her core, slowly pressing into her deepest, most intimate places. Euphoria engulfed him, but he went slow and held still, he could see the pain line her brow and he felt her stiffen.

"Ell… you didn't tell me-" He began, only to be shushed.

"Shh… Sh." She pulled his face down into hers, kissing him with a depth and intimacy not before known as she adjusted to his girth.

 _You're feeding on my energy  
I'm letting go of it  
He wants it_

Pain ebbed, washed away by an overwhelming need for more. Ellana began to roll her hips into Cullen's, her fingernails biting deeply into his shoulders. It was a good thing he wore that obnoxious fur all the time, with all these marks, he would need it in the morning. He moved inside of her, slowly at first, torturously so, but he went deeper with each thrust, sending her to heights she didn't know existed. She begged for more. She begged for speed. And slowly he listened. His face buried itself into the crook of her neck as he became closer to his own release, sucking and biting at her supple skin. His chest made the perfect amount of friction on her nipples as they moved together as one, she was reaching her own high again.

 _You hover like a hummingbird  
Haunt me in my sleep  
You're sailing from another world  
Sinking in my seas_

They fell apart together, crying out each other's names as they soared into ecstasy. Cullen emptied himself inside of Ellana, pressing repeated kisses along her skin, finding his way back to her lips as both of their bodies quaked with their orgasms and then went still, sated. He settled himself at her side, his strong arms bringing her lithe body back to his. She shivered and curled up against him. Cullen smiled in his lopsided way, giving her the urge to kiss that scar on his lip, which she did. He left her only for a moment to retrieve the furs that had somehow ended up across the room. He covered her in several of the warm blankets and then joined her underneath them. Ellana tucked herself right back into his chest and he gave a low chuckle, arms wrapping back around her bare form. She pressed a kiss to one of the many fresh marks on his chest.

"No wolves…"

"No wolves." Cullen answered as they both fell into the realm of sleep. And for the first time in a very long time, neither one of them dreamed.

 _And I run from wolves  
Breathing heavily, at my feet  
And I run from wolves  
Tearing into me, without teeth_

A/N: Part 1 of 3. The song is Wolves Without Teeth by Of Monsters and Men. Hope you all enjoyed. All credit for the cover image goes to mageflower. deviantart. com


	2. Hunger

Chapter 2: Hunger

Ellana had no idea how swiftly things could change. She should have, after all, her entire life had flipped on a copper at the Conclave. Still, she did not expect the attack on Haven. It was foolish. They should have been better prepared. She _should_ have expected something. But they were blindsided and many good people perished because of her lack of forethought. She lifted a hand and brushed her fingers against the tender skin of her throat, she could still feel Corypheus' choke-hold every now and then. It was a miracle she still breathed, it was a miracle that any who were there at Haven did. Her heart was devastated.

Upon arriving to Skyhold they had named her Inquisitor. Whether she felt she deserved the title or not was irrelevant. Whether she was truly Andraste's Herald or not was even irrelevant. This mark, whatever its origin, gave her power. It was time she accepted the responsibility that came with such power. Corypheus had to be stopped. Someone had to make the hard decisions, if not the one with the ability to close the rifts, then who? Her mind was at a constant state of inner turmoil, but she would do what had to be done. What choice did she have? She no longer had the luxury of doubt. Thedas needed her to be the Inquisitor and the Herald of Andraste, and so she would be, no matter the personal cost. Despite her resolve though, she felt her failures and insufficiencies threatening to suffocate her.

 _You are right, I'll move on  
But my lungs feel so small  
I couldn't breathe if I tried_

A knock echoed on the oak door, startling Ellana from her internal dialogue. She shuffled some papers around on her desk and strode to the door, releasing the catch.

"Cullen." A hint of a smile tugged at her lips, his name coming out like a sigh of relief.

"Inquisitor." He dipped his head, a bit stiffly. The trace of a smile was gone in a flash.

"Something's wrong. More bad news?" She squared her shoulders and steeled herself, unsure if she could handle another blow.

"No- uh- well…" The Commander scratched the back of his neck, he wasn't making eye contact. "It's actually a private matter I'd like to discuss."

She should have known then what was coming, perhaps deep down she did, her heart just wouldn't accept it. Not until he said the words. He refused to enter her quarters, instead they climbed up the battlements, overlooking a backdrop of snow-covered mountains. Cullen tried to be gentle, but how do you gently shatter the already broken pieces of someone's heart? He said it wasn't proper, now that she was Inquisitor. A conflict of interest. He was hiding things, she could tell, but no longer felt she had right to press him. She wanted to scream. Tell him he was wrong. Fight tooth and nail until he came to his senses. But her thoughts reminded her harshly of Haven. Who could love a woman- an elf- who had failed so terribly. So instead, she internalized it and let it poison her slowly from the inside, like everything else.

"As you wish. By your leave, Commander." Ellana bowed her head formally. Her reaction surprised him, he clearly expected more of a fight. He rigidly nodded his acquiesce. She made it back to her quarters before completely falling apart. The door clicked shut behind her and she slid to the ground, tears shattering on the floor in waves that seemed to have no end.

 _I lay my head on the floor  
My beating heart wanted more  
But I'll keep it in and keep you out_

Ellana let the sorrow take over. So many lives gone, and for what? Did they even have a chance? All this death seemed in vain. Corypheus was too strong, too powerful. Even with this blasted mark, she was no match for him. He had already taken so much from Thedas. He had corrupted the Templars with red lyrium and if their intel was accurate, it seemed he had the Gray Wardens in his clutches as well. The two most powerful and respected forces in Ferelden _and_ Orlais. What were they doing, trying to oppose such adversity? It was impossible. Madness. All they could possibly accomplish was fill the people with hope, only to crush it _and_ them in the end.

And Cullen. An unbidden sob ripped from her chest. In all this madness, he had been the only thing that made sense. The only distraction she was allowed. Her affections weren't easily won, nor were they quick to move on. She had given herself to him, body and soul. Did that mean so little? Perhaps her failure at Haven was just too much for him. She couldn't hold that against him. It was too much for her as well.

 _I'm drowning, I'm drowning  
I'm drowning, I'm drowning_

She woke in the morning, a terrible ache in her bones and puffy eyes, but with a fresh resolve. She allowed the despair it's time. Her tears did nothing, for those dead or those alive. It was time for action. Corypheus could not win. They would not allow it. _She_ would not allow it. She locked her pain over the Commander away in a small little box, deep and dark and far away. Personal grievances were a luxury, one she could no longer afford. Her energy was required elsewhere. It was selfish of her to pursue a personal relationship when so much was at stake. There was no longer any reason to pretend otherwise.

Ellana thought of all those nights spent in deep conversation or the throes of passion. Would they have been better prepared if they had spent that precious time strategizing? She couldn't know, but the thought made her sick to her stomach.

She would step into her role as Inquisitor Lavellan with all the grace and tenacity it required. She would make those impossible decisions. She was no longer her own person, her only thoughts should be on what was best for Thedas. For the Inquisition.

 _But for the longest time I knew  
There was nothing for us to do  
But I tried, oh, I tried_

Those who looked into the face of the Inquisitor when she emerged from her quarters did not see her pain, only fierce determination. She sent the runner who stood by the War Room to retrieve her advisors. It still felt odd, the way he dipped his head and said "Yes, Inquisitor" with so much respect. This would be hard to get accustomed to. Ellana poured over the pieces of information, requests from diplomats and the like, and notes written by her advisors. A young girl appeared at her elbow, offering her a goblet filled with a bitter, hot liquid made from steeped beans. They called it coffee. She accepted it gratefully.

The door creaked. Cassandra, prompt as usual. Leliana and Josephine filed in after. Cullen appeared a few minutes later. He looked haggard, like he hadn't slept. Ellana pretended, even to herself, not to notice. The five of them discussed their next courses of action. She gave direction to her Spymaster, Ambassador, and Commander of what needed to be dealt with post haste. She, on the other hand, was itching to get back out there. There were new regions that their scouts had touched base in, Crestwood, the Hissing Wastes, and Emerald Graves. Each one needed support from the Inquisition and help closing lingering fade rifts. However, there was also word of a high dragon nesting in the Hinterlands, which drew her interest. It might be just the challenge she needed at the moment.

Ellana gauged the reactions of her advisors when she mentioned this. Josephine voiced concern, but she expected no less. Cassandra and Leliana seemed confident they could bring down the beast. Cullen's eyes were empty, far-away.

High dragon it was.

 _And in this quiet company  
There is nothing staring back at me  
I'm in need of the sound_

Ellana spent far more time in the trenches of Thedas killing demons and red Templars than she did at Skyhold. She tried to rotate those who joined her on these expeditions, not wanting to burn out her companions. Cassandra insisted on being at her side anytime she would have her there, and Varric did the same, but not in so many words. For all their differences, those two were fiercely loyal, more so than any leader could ask for. Varric wasn't only loyal though, he had some interesting friends. Elle Hawke proved a valuable ally, leading them to Gray Warden Theirin. Who not only was a warden with pivotal information, but he was _the_ Alistair who fought alongside the hero of Ferelden and ended the fifth blight. He was an honorable man, one who she was happy to have on their side. The Inquisition was making leaps and bounds in the right direction.

Attending the ball in Orlais had been exhausting on all ends. But things were stable once more, Celine remained on her throne, and they had obtained another interesting ally. Morrigan, and her son Kieran. There seemed to be a history there involving their other recently acquired ally, Alistair, though Ellana had yet to figure that one out.

The Western Approach had to be the worst plot of Maker-forsaken land in the known world. The sand was endless, the heat was suffocating, the creatures were deadly, and poison literally rose from the earth in some places. As if all that wasn't bad, finding out that the Gray Wardens had resorted to blood magic and were raising a demon army for Corypheus was the blow no one was quite expecting. It was bad, they were all sure of it, but shit, it _had_ to be that bad. They had to march on Adamant. The need to right this wrong pulsed through Ellana like the blood inside her veins.

 _Hungry for the kill  
But this hunger, it isn't you_

"But we _must_." Ellana brought her fist down on the War Table, scattering a few reports and sending a book, that had been holding down a corner of the map, to the ground. She was growing exasperated, restless. They were ready to take Adamant yet, each of her advisors had all vouched for this many times in the last several weeks. It would be a hard battle to win. They need to bolster their forces and make sure they had proper supplies. Besides, the trebuchets had yet to arrive, and they were pivotal if they stood a chance. She rubbed her temples. All of this she knew. But this was a time sensitive manner. The longer it took for them to intercede, the worse thing would get. She felt that in her soul.

"Inquisitor." His voice was low and soft when he spoke, full of sympathy. Cullen knew the turmoil of being patient. He had many sleepless nights over the same thoughts going through her mind, the dark circles under his eyes were evidence of this. Of course, the lyrium withdraw did nothing to help. Even when he did sleep, the wolves wouldn't let him rest. He froze, that thought bringing a barrage of memories with it. Memories he didn't let himself dwell on anymore. Memories of that first night he spent with Ellana. He realized they were waiting for him to continue and shook his mind clear. "We will take Adamant, but only if we are patient and strike when our forces are prepared."

"We may not have the luxury of being prepared." She snapped, fingers pressed to her temples. "Every day we do nothing is another day closer to Corypheus having his demon army. Another day closer to an endless future of slavery and darkness and death." Cullen stepped around to her side of the table. This was the closest he had gotten to her since Haven.

"We will _not_ let that happen, Ell. Your forces will be ready within the week, I promise you." His voice was low and sincere. She had nearly forgotten there were others in the room, until he took his leave to get back to the matters at hand.

 _Voices disappear  
When you're speaking in somber tunes_

Without the option of Adamant just yet, Ellana traveled back to the Western Approach with her small company. It was appropriately miserable, and there was still much left to do in the region. So focused on the issue with the Gray Wardens, she hadn't even gotten around to closing the rifts there. Taking back Griffin Wing Keep made the sweltering desert hell a little more bearable. At least they had somewhere to go for a proper reprieve. And once they built bridges over the poisoned areas, the land was easier to traverse. She was sick of having sand in every crevice of her body, but she refused to return to Skyhold until it was time to take on Adamant.

"Come _on_ , Fidget. How long do you plan on staying in this sand-filled hell?" Varric complained, retrieving one of his arrows from the chest of a Venatori. The nickname was the one he used most for her, even more than "your Inquisitorialness." It referred to the habit she had of playing with her blades if they were still for any length of time.

"Varric, that is no way to address the Inquisitor." Cassandra scolded him, earning nothing but a roll of his eyes. Honestly, Ellana found the casual way Varric still treated her extremely refreshing.

"Until things are stable again." Was her simple answer.

"That means until we are able to leave for Adamant." Dorian chimed in, that smug, all-knowing smirk on his face. "Or until she gets the gall to finally bed our dashing Commander."

"Must you say everything that enters your small mind, _mage_?" The seeker muttered, narrowing her eyes in his direction.

"I can't be the only one who sees it."

"Old news, Sparkler. Those two woke the entire Haven Chantry with their praises, but let me tell you they weren't to Andraste. Mother Giselle was _scandalized_. It was great."

"Varric!" Cassandra hit the dwarf that time in protest of his vulgarity.

" _No_." Dorian's arched an eyebrow. "You two have a history? That _is_ interesting."

"Are you three going to help me kill the fucking _giant_ , or just stand there?" Ellana snapped, withdrawing her daggers and sinking them into the beast's ankles. Distracted as they were, they hadn't seen the giant until it was right on top of them.

 _I will be the wolf  
And when you're starving, you'll need it too  
Hungry for the kill  
But this hunger it isn't you_

The giant crashed to its knees, shaking the earth around it. Ellana, already covered head to toe in the creature's blood, leapt into the air and plunged her daggers into the middle of its chest. A wet gurgling sound rumbled from its throat and it slumped to the ground, dead. She withdrew her blades, cleaned them off on the giant's tattered garments and sheathed them.

"If these maps from Scout Harding are correct, as they always are, there should be a place to make camp just ahead." She said and continued on, ignoring the gawking from her companions. Mostly Varric and Dorian. Cassandra looked proud, but in her nonchalant badass sort of way.

They had set up enough camps to claim stability in the Western Approach, and all the rifts were now closed. Just in time for Ellana to receive a missive from Josephine. She was needed on urgent matters back at Skyhold. She wasn't sure she was ready to return yet. Her last interaction with Cullen had stirred up some emotions that she had trekked to the furthest western edge of Orlais to avoid. On the other hand, if Dorian or Varric made one more remark about her "singing Cullen's praises" she was going to cut out their adam's apples and feed it to them. Besides, if it was about Adamant, she wanted to be informed immediately.

 _I grew tall to fill the void  
Let me go 'cause you're just a shade  
Of what I am, not what I'll be_

Ellana pushed open the door of the War Room, itching for good news. Also itching because she hadn't stopped to bathe yet and was coated in a layer of sand. Leliana and Josephine were already there waiting.

"What is it?" The two women looked at each other but didn't answer right away. It was Cassandra's voice that spoke first as she entered from behind.

"This was my doing, blame only me."

"That is not entirely true." Josephine countered.

"We agreed to help." Leliana added with a nod. Ellana watched them all expectantly, waiting for an explanation.

"I asked one of the spies to bring Leliana a message for me. I asked her to draw you back to Skyhold by whatever means she thought would work." The seeker explained, looking mildly ashamed of her deception.

"I apologize if we overstepped, Inquisitor, but you must know we only did it for your benefit. Our siege on Adamant will take place in just a few short days, and working yourself into exhaustion is not a good way to win this battle." Her Orlaisian advisor explained in her most diplomatic voice. They were waiting for her reaction, but she wasn't she if she even had one. They were right of course, not only was she exhausting herself but her three most loyal companions as well. Despite this, she still had no desire to stay in the hold, already it felt as though the walls were suffocating her.

 _But in this quiet company  
I forget sometimes just how to breathe  
Fill my lungs with the sound_

"Stillness is my enemy." Ellana admitted after a long period of silence, eyes downcast on the map in front of her. Her fingers toyed with the porcelain carving of a soldier that represented the Inquisition's forces. Their Commander. Cullen. Words tumbled from her lips before she could bite them back. All her doubts, her secret pain, admitting for the first time out loud how Haven had shaken her to her core. She had failed them all and she had to make it right. She didn't expect forgiveness, but perhaps redemption was possible. Her palms were planted on the table, chin tucked to her chest, hiding her shame and tears from them.

"Inquisitor." It was Josephine who spoke first, as it often was. She was clearly taken aback. "You did not fail the Inquisition. We made you our Inquisitor because against every odd, even after such a tragedy, you stood against Corypheus and did not perish. If anyone can stop this, it would be the Herald of Andraste. It would be _you_."

"The Inquisition would not have made it this far without you." Leliana added in her brief, but sincere manner.

"We have not lost faith in you." Cassandra touched Ellana shoulder. She felt a huge weight lift off her shoulders, but somehow her chest still felt heavy, the unrest gnawing at her insides.

 _Hungry for the kill  
But this hunger it isn't you_

"I don't believe our Commander has that same faith. What is the Inquisition if the leader of our forces doubts?" She tried to word that left personal aspects out of it, but the three women before her all knew far too well of her tryst with Cullen and that it had ended abruptly when they arrived at Skyhold.

"You are joking, right?" Leliana asked without mirth. "Cullen is fiercely loyal to both you and the Inquisition."

"The Commander does not doubt, Inquisitor." Cassandra said, her eyes saying more than her words. The seeker shifted on her feet. "He has not been taking lyrium." That small piece of information struck her chest like a brick. Lyrium withdraw could kill. Cassandra saw the alarm on her Inquisitor's features. "I assure you, he is handling it exceedingly well. He asked me to keep an eye on him, to relieve him of his duties if I thought him unfit at any time. His leading abilities have not been compromised, but I must say, some of his personal decisions have been more… hasty. He fears… hurting those close to him." She said the last part in a low voice that only Ellana picked up. Her mind swirled, she felt mildly lightheaded. The door flew open behind them, and hit the stone wall with a loud bang.

"We must-" Cullen strode into the room, full of urgency, then stopped in his tracks. He had not been informed the Inquisitor had returned. "Oh- Inquisitor." He dipped his head in that formal way that made her feel sick.

"Commander." She breathed, her chest constricting. His eyes flitted to her hand, and she realized she still held the porcelain soldier in a tight fist. She swiftly returned it to its place on the table with the ceramic raven and tiny glass scroll. Ellana used the moment to clear her emotions before turning back to the man. "Do you have news?" He nodded.

"I just received word. We will be ready to march on Adamant at dawn." Her heart pumped with renewed purpose in her chest. Everything else would have to wait.

"Finish preparations and get a good night's sleep. At dawn, we march."

"Of course, Inquisitor." Cullen's eyes lingered on hers what for what she thought was a bit longer than normal, but then he swiftly took his leave.

 _Voices disappear  
When you're speaking in somber tunes_

There were other matters for her to attend, now that she was back at Skyhold, but none that couldn't wait until she had properly bathed and changed out of her blood and sand soaked travel leathers. It was a wonder the handmaidens could actually get those things clean, though they always did. She soaked in the tub for longer than she would normally allow herself, requiring several rewarms with pitchers of near boiling water. The aches and knots slowly melted away. She counted her new scars and fresh wounds, only one that she thought she should bring to the attention of a healer sometime that evening.

It was time for her to sit in judgement.

She'd been putting it off. More concerned with other matters, and honestly not quite sure how she felt on judging the fate of their opposers on a public forum. But Josephine informed her that many dignitaries had deferred to her judgement, and it would be wise not to tritely disregard their show of acquiescence to the Inquisition. She settled into the sunburst throne, and the people of Skyhold gathered to watch.

First up was Magister Alexius. The man who had tried to enslave the mages to Corypheus and when she went to stop him, he used some dark magic to send her forward in time to kill her. His crimes were grave, yet as her gaze fell on Dorian's drawn features, she couldn't bring herself to sentence the man to death. Perhaps she was too soft for this. It was easy to kill a man when he held a blade, but a defenseless one wrapped in chains? It felt hardly just. The Inquisition would keep him guarded as he did research for them. Maybe something good would come out of all the destruction he caused. She took a deep breath. One more.

The mayor of Crestwood was brought before her. Her heart truly ached for this man. Though he seemed a coward, he had been forced to make a decision. An impossible one that cost many lives, but would the alternative have cost more? Probably. She sympathized heavily with this. The best she could give the man was exile, though it seemed this was more than he expected.

Exhaustion clawed at her brain and she wasn't sure if it was from pushing herself so hard, or if the trials just took that much out of her. Possibly both.

 _I will be the wolf  
And when you're starving you'll need it too  
Hungry for the kill  
But this hunger it isn't you_

Adamant was chaos.

The trebuchets did their job well and breached the fortress. She did her best to protect their troops, securing the battlements as they worked toward the heart of the fortress. Some of the wardens listened to reason, which she was grateful for, she had no desire to take more lives than necessary. Even Warden-Commander Clarel listened to her pleas in the end. Magister Erimond had deceived them all. But it seemed to late, demons materialized from the veil thinned by blood magic. They cut down each and every one of them, and when the last ogre was dead on the cold ground, she hastened to close the rift. But it wasn't open. They had made it in time.

A deafening screech filled the air. Corypheus' pet.

Erimond tried to escape, fearing his battle lost, but Clarel was quick on his heels, following him to the battlements on the far walls. The events that followed were a blur. Ellana had raced after the Warden-Commander, saw her strike down the deceiving magister, but then the warden was crushed by the jaws of that beast. She had one final blow in her though, and it sent the dragon careening of the edge of fortress. A moment of silence, stillness, and then the stone could hold no longer. It crumbled beneath Ellana and her companions. They tried to run for stable ground, but they weren't fast enough. Dorian was the first to fall, but Ellana grabbed him by the collar and yanked him up, urging him to keep running. There was nowhere to go. The entire wall was giving way. She lost her footing. Airborne. The ground only meters away.

A flash of green. Time stopped. Gravity reversed. She hit the ground, hard, but not like she should have. She should have been dead. They were in the fade. They _all_ were. Cassandra, Varric, Dorian, Alistair, and Hawke were all gathering their bearings, same as her.

The fade was not kind. It brought back her memories, but she was so sure she wanted them back. They brought more questions than answers in many ways, as did the "spirit" of the Divine. If that's what it was. Nothing made sense anymore. She had chosen to believe she was Andraste's Herald. Chosen to believe the mark was a blessing. A sign. It was all farce. A lie. She was a lie.

 _I'm drowning, I'm drowning  
I'm drowning, I'm drowning_

That wasn't the worst of it though, not by far. Though the truth shook her convictions, it did not shatter them. Whether it was Andraste or the Divine who had pushed her out of the fade. Whether the mark had been given to her by the Maker or in some divinely unlucky accident. The Inquisition was strong, Corypheus would eventually fall. As long as they made it out of the fade.

Then they met the goddamn demon of all demons, and all they could do was run. Cassandra, Varric, and Dorian made it to the opening, but she was cut off with Alistair and Hawke by the massive, hideous creature. Their only chance was for one of them to stay behind. To distract it while the other two escaped. The Warden and the Champion both volunteered and then began to argue about who would be needed more in the future. At a stalemate, they looked to Ellana.

 _No_. No! This was not a decision she could be expected to make. There was resolve and readiness in both of their eyes. They both had already accepted their fate in this. The Inquisitor _had_ to live. There was no time. If Ellana didn't say something soon, they all would perish.

"Hawke…" Her voice broke, but Hawke had made a point she couldn't deny. If the Gray Wardens were to rebuild, Alistair would play a vital role. Thedas needed that.

"Say goodbye to Varric for me?" She gave a mirthless smirk, drew her blades, and ran right into the mouth of the beast.

The Champion of Kirkwall. Gone.

Ellana and Alistair emerged from the fade, untouched. She went through the motions, she closed the rift. And when Varric inquired about Hawke, she made a speech about her heroinism. The dwarf was devastated. So was she.

 _I'm drowning, I'm drowning  
I'm drowning, I'm drowning_

On the whole, Adamant was considered a success. Technically speaking, it was. They freed the Gray Wardens from Corypheus' reach and stopped an unending Nightmare from passing through the veil. Ellana sat in judgement of Erimond. She gave him a swift death by her own hand. Justice or revenge, she didn't know. But his blood did nothing to ease her conscience.

The Inquisitor retired to her quarters early. No one blamed her, it had been a hard-won battle. They all needed time to recuperate. She received many accolades as she passed through the halls. She didn't deserve a single one.

Only when she was finally alone did her tears finally fall, threatening to drown her.

 _I'm drowning, I'm drowning_

"Ell…"


End file.
